The Real Reason Decluttering Feels So Hard
You invited an easy and loved couple to stop by your home for happy hour on Friday. They immediately accepted. The week flew by! Sitting at your desk, closing out your computer, a moment of excitement sparks as you look forward to down time with amazing humans you love and enjoy. Yes, it will be casual but you want these friends to be pampered as always. Making people feel loved comes easy for you.
Then on the drive home a surge of overwhelm overcomes you. The panic sets in as you sit in jammed traffic.
You make the brilliant decision to stop by the combo grocery/liquor store instead of two trips. You are known for getting an A+ in efficiency.
Confidently, popping into the store, you pick up a couple hunks of the good cheeses, a bag of red grapes, fancy entertaining crackers and some fig spread. Bevies next. A couple bottles of wine (one NA for Marc), booze Ellen loves and a 6-pack of beer just in case.
Entering the garage you acknowledge you bought more drinks than you need which happens when you don’t make time to look at what you already have.
The wine and beer go in the fridge. Pull out the wine and beer openers, wash the grapes, put the cheese and crackers on the signature HH platter. These entertaining details come together because you are an ever resourceful, multi-tasking, joy bringing problem solver!
Everything is done. Hubby arrives home. This is usually the case. There is a flicker of resentment and it’s not the first time. You have talked about him just “showing up” but nothing changes. You hold this resentment somewhere because you don’t know what to do with it.
It’s what you do, what you are known for in every aspect of your life.
You manage everything.
Home. Family. Friends. Work. Community. All in service of your love of holding up the people and work you care so much about. This is what matters to you.
Quick hello and kiss from hubby as he goes up to change his clothes. You take a moment to look around the living room. Soon to be filled with smiles and stories.
Staring at the wrinkled and worn sofa, a layer of embarrassment and disappointment washes over you. It’s been a year of wanting to replace it after seeing an incredible velvet sectional online at a local stylish and reputable furniture company.
How has life been so crazy that you haven’t made time to spend ninety minutes driving to sit on it, walk the showroom and dream of loving this and maybe other pieces in your home?
“Why do my dreams for my home always go to the bottom of the list?”
They will be here soon.
Shaking your head so you’ll stop thinking about it, you keep moving. Grabbing the mail on the counter to shove into the junk drawer. Pile up the old magazines you meant to share with a friend, a single sock left from folding clothes, dental floss and a plate with crumbs that you quickly stash in the cabinet next to the fireplace.
As you collect and clear things the same old thought floats through your mind. Why am I the only one who sees and deals with the mail and why am I the only one who deals with these unfinished tasks? It’s exhausting thinking about “training” others so it’s been easier to just do it yourself. A part of you holds a low grade anger as you let out a loud, “Uuuuggghhhh!”
Running upstairs you change into a casual top and jeans. Finally, ten minutes to spare. You take a deep breath. Stare at yourself in the mirror. A layer of sadness is surfacing. After all this effort to make home work for everyone else, you think, “Who is making this home work for me?”
How do we stop this madness that’s resulted from our diligence? How can we change the rhythm of our lives without everything falling completely apart? Because right now, it’s barely hanging together even with everything you are doing. Imagining making the declaration, “I am done doing X! Someone else needs to do it!” Oh, that would feel good!
So much of what makes women successful, hard working, and magnanimous (generous in spirit) people is our resilience.
I write about resilience throughout but especially in the first two chapters of my book. Resilience is a learned skill gained when facing immense challenges, managing layers of stress and constantly solving problems while remaining positive. This is who we are.
Like the Hindu goddess Durga, her eight arms symbolize her Shakti or Divine Power to perform multiple tasks simultaneously she possesses strength beyond human limitations.
Finding meaning, helping others, connecting with family, friends, or community provides vital support and mitigates the impact of adversity. All of this strengthens resilience.
How do WE get out of this vicious cycle?
We are born to nurture. Nurturing is locked in the DNA of the feminine. We are self-sacrificing, giving, kind, thoughtful, and ooze loving compassion for others.
Often leaving little energy or attention focused on our own soul’s needs. “When is it my turn? How do I stop this monstrous flywheel I created?” Did we create it or is it part of the “machine” of mankind? How did this happen? Beyond that it even begs the question, “Why do I feel responsible for everyone else’s happiness?”
Turning some of this incredible care and loving compassion on yourself may sound luxurious. Most of my clients have forgotten to include themselves and their needs in this life. I see how you pour into others. What would happen if you shifted some energy onto your own desire?
Imagine turning the tide of overdoing, rebalancing life with loving self-care, shifting some boundaries and asking more from our loved ones.
Is this even possible? What does it cost your life to live everyone else’s life?
If any of this is landing for you, downloading the first two chapters of my book will bring hope and possibility for you. No strings attached. Download them here and if they resonate, I would love to hear from you.
A FREE GIFT FOR YOU
A FREE GIFT FOR YOU
You’ve been trying to do this alone for a long time.
You don’t have to anymore.
These two free chapters from Compassionate Decluttering will show you a gentler way in. You’ll start to see your stuff differently and, more importantly, yourself differently. Sign up to receive the free chapters:
